my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
