I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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