I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
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I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
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So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife