I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
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So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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