"it" just moved
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
