Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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