I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
