My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
