Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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