There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
