I wish my penis had an off switch
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
