I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
