I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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