Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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