note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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