so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
