Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
