you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
