Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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