dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
