I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
