You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
