i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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