New invention idea: vibrating tampons
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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