My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
