God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
