Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No subtext here. People are naked.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
