Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
