Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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