We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
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we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
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Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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