Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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