If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
