from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
