Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
