she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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