Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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