when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
