Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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