My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
