Sorry, I don't speak sober.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
