Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
