I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
