Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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