i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
