I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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