I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
are you so shy because you have an std?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
