I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
