3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
