He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
