You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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