Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
