thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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