just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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