I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
