We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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