fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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