Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
