You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
