enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
