After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
